The Remnant (Comment & Critique)

ninjagirl11 · 07-01-2009, 02:47 AM

ello peoples!!! (yes i like to use this greeting.) thanks for coming to comment on me story!! i was wanting to give the comment thingy a better name but i ran out of imagination. like i said before my first chapter, all comments are welcome! thanks again for reading and commenting on my story!!

Yiew · 07-01-2009, 05:54 AM

To me, it had a little too much speech with out enough descriptive purpose.
Towards the end half of your post was nothing but talk...Which really lost me towards the end.
But also, there was WAY to much through out the short amount you have posted. I didnt really learn too much about the characters in it, just how they spoke to each other. You need to give us something to hold onto.

This is something that is common with fan fics. People try to elaborate the story via dialect between characters. You dont always need to do this. People loose interest, as I did, but I kept reading it.

Also, Im not sure where your from, which could hinder your English vocabulary, but more descriptive words would have been nice, for the short amount of time you would have used them anyway. It makes us feel like 'Wow, this really is intriguing' rather than 'Eh, this word tallies up 50 times' type of thing.

I might seem harsh, but to be honest, I didnt really like the story.
Im not talking out of my ass either. I studied advanced English and got 92% on my final exam, so if you think Im just criticising to be an ass, please think twice, Im only trying to offer advice.

ninjagirl11 · 07-01-2009, 09:11 PM

Hey thanks for the comment. you are right though. even when i read it i thought that it was a lot of talking. i was really tired yesterday when i posted it so i didn't even think of editing it a little bit more before i put it on. thanks and i'll see if i can do better. please keep telling me it something is wrong though because that is the only way it will get better.

Yiew · 07-02-2009, 12:09 PM

I really look forward to reading your edited version.
I hope I didnt sound too mean or come off as a bad person =)
Im also glad that you could see your faults, which a lot of people miss :3

Please tell me when you post your edited version up

07-01-2009, 02:47 AM	#1 (permalink)
ninjagirl11 Unknown Join Date: Mar 2009 Location: The Milky Way Galaxy Posts: 9 Rep Power: 0	The Remnant (Comment & Critique) ello peoples!!! (yes i like to use this greeting.) thanks for coming to comment on me story!! i was wanting to give the comment thingy a better name but i ran out of imagination. like i said before my first chapter, all comments are welcome! thanks again for reading and commenting on my story!! Last edited by ninjagirl11; 07-13-2009 at 04:38 AM.

07-01-2009, 05:54 AM	#2 (permalink)
Yiew DILLIGAF Join Date: Oct 2008 Location: Aus. Age: 19 Posts: 2,055 Rep Power: 1127 Awards Showcase Total Awards: 3	To me, it had a little too much speech with out enough descriptive purpose. Towards the end half of your post was nothing but talk...Which really lost me towards the end. But also, there was WAY to much through out the short amount you have posted. I didnt really learn too much about the characters in it, just how they spoke to each other. You need to give us something to hold onto. This is something that is common with fan fics. People try to elaborate the story via dialect between characters. You dont always need to do this. People loose interest, as I did, but I kept reading it. Also, Im not sure where your from, which could hinder your English vocabulary, but more descriptive words would have been nice, for the short amount of time you would have used them anyway. It makes us feel like 'Wow, this really is intriguing' rather than 'Eh, this word tallies up 50 times' type of thing. I might seem harsh, but to be honest, I didnt really like the story. Im not talking out of my ass either. I studied advanced English and got 92% on my final exam, so if you think Im just criticising to be an ass, please think twice, Im only trying to offer advice. __________________ Creator: Asura Mick2004: His Creations. Spoiler Yiew Has Claimed Nyuu. Character Claimed Sig. Sigs I cant fit in. Spoiler Creator: Colby Creator: Colby Creator: JustinNanaya

07-02-2009, 12:09 PM	#4 (permalink)
Yiew DILLIGAF Join Date: Oct 2008 Location: Aus. Age: 19 Posts: 2,055 Rep Power: 1127 Awards Showcase Total Awards: 3	I really look forward to reading your edited version. I hope I didnt sound too mean or come off as a bad person =) Im also glad that you could see your faults, which a lot of people miss :3 Please tell me when you post your edited version up __________________ Creator: Asura Mick2004: His Creations. Spoiler Yiew Has Claimed Nyuu. Character Claimed Sig. Sigs I cant fit in. Spoiler Creator: Colby Creator: Colby Creator: JustinNanaya

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07-01-2009, 09:11 PM	#3 (permalink)
ninjagirl11 Unknown Join Date: Mar 2009 Location: The Milky Way Galaxy Posts: 9 Rep Power: 0	Hey thanks for the comment. you are right though. even when i read it i thought that it was a lot of talking. i was really tired yesterday when i posted it so i didn't even think of editing it a little bit more before i put it on. thanks and i'll see if i can do better. please keep telling me it something is wrong though because that is the only way it will get better.