Where Do I Belong (Comments & Critics)

[Beloved_Goddess]

This is the comments and critics page for my second sailor moon fanfic...please as you enjoy the story...do not forget to post here to let me know your thoughts^^

Thank you!

http://www.animea.net/forums/f50/whe...20/#post516454

[baki]

Most of your sentences are awfully long, which, I'm sorry to say, contributes to a rapid drop-off in reader interest.

The new girl whose name was Serenity who had randomly appeared last week suddenly became the hottest sensation in the school, boys flocked over her and all the girls who had ambitions to become popular became her servants over night.

This sentence should be split in 2, maybe even 3 parts for better readability, like this:

Serenity, the new girl who appeared last week, has become the hottest sensation in school. Not only boys flocked to her, but girls, also. The latter were hoping that some of Serenity's charm and popularity would rub off on them, too.

Try not to over-use 3-letter words like her/his, the, was, unless the sentence really warrants it.

[Beloved_Goddess]

Thank you very much Sensei...i shall remember this^^

Most of your sentences are awfully long, which, I'm sorry to say, contributes to a rapid drop-off in reader interest.



This sentence should be split in 2, maybe even 3 parts for better readability, like this:

Serenity, the new girl who appeared last week, has become the hottest sensation in school. Not only boys flocked to her, but girls, also. The latter were hoping that some of Serenity's charm and popularity would rub off on them, too.

Try not to over-use 3-letter words like her/his, the, was, unless the sentence really warrants it.

[Adyxxx]

^^ not bad just like baki sayd u use those words pretty much the story its good in its way just like sailor moon ^^

[Beloved_Goddess]

Thank you...i guess i stopped posting when no one was reading or leaving comments ><

^^ not bad just like baki sayd u use those words pretty much the story its good in its way just like sailor moon ^^

[sawreese]

Phew, Just got back from NY like a week ago. DON'T GIVE UP!!! Lol I know how u feel to some degree tho.... No one..... EVER..... leaves me comments *Sniff Sniff* well, except for you (Thanks a million for that btw). Anyway, after I get back up to speeds with my story, I'll make sure to get back on track reading yours.