[Serious!] Need help with a problem i am facing..

[grakara]

Ok,
i'm posting this here because i'm not sure wether i should tell this to my parents and sister.

Ok i'll start, i have a sister.
She is 20 years old and has a friend, all happy, just bought a home and plans of marriage.
He, my sisters's boyfriend is an alfa romeo freak and is active on a forums under the username of tinus313, so i wanted to check it out for once. not knowing the name of the site i typed "tinus313" into google.
But what i stumbled on, was his profile on sites looking for sex contacts, so i checked it out. on one of the sites his last visit was on september 19 2011 and hes been a member since 2007.
If id have to say thats after he met my sister..
and i checked the second one, ofcourse i knew it was him since it clearly was him on the picture, but whats worse is that the picture was one of him during a concert. i attended that concert and so did my parents, my sister and his parents. it hasn't been a long time since that concert.

Ok just asked my mother.. she was like why are you asking this, but nevermind.
the concert was in April/May one of those,
so he has been on that site, updating it while hes living together with my sister.
Btw, they started living together in february this year.

I think you people have an image of the problem now, i hope.
I don't want to ruin my sisters happiness, so i dont want her to find out.
But because i want her to be happy i actually want to tell her, because hes probably cheating on her.. he did this once before btw..
it was forgiven, but now this.
I'm seriously in a bind, i don't know wether to tell it or not.
If i tell my mother WWIII will commence, so..

I know im just rattling on and on, but its really hard on me...
Its not just about the relationship ending, but there's the money issue as well. what will happen with the house, the animals, the car, everything. And we already are people that arent swimming in money.

So i'm asking you all here on AnimeA for advice, i know there are some truly mature people on here which i hope can help me.
For the people who aren't going to take this seriously, fine by me.. but i'll probably get pissed at you.

Thanks in Advance~
Greetings Marc

[Arinya]

i tried to look up that site and i don't like those sites so i quit it right away after i confirmed that i got the right person...
and another problem is that i only can't speak dutch (though there are some words i can guess...)
anyway: were you able to take a look at what he did there? are there any posts after february that are visible for you (forum posts) and have a direct mentioning of him wanting to have physical contacts to someone? because only logging in on those sites should not be enough to say that he betrays your sister (even though it is of course suspicious especially because of his background)

btw. the first thing i thought was to say, that you should make a fake account there and try to hit on him... if it works, it would be the best proof because you can safe the conversation... and if it worked you could decide what to do next... but after thinking about it for several minutes... it's probably not the best way to do things...

i am actually an annoying overprotective older sister... i don't know anything about my siblings relationships and i don't even want to think about such things... but if i knew that my little sister in the same situation i would try to talk to her and argue with her even though she might hate me after it... the reason for that is that i would like to prevent her from being hurt and betrayed later on.

thinking about it clearly though it might be that your sister already knows about the whole thing and accepts it.. unlikely but you know that there was a previous incident with him right? do you know exactly what they decided on? was it the typical *i am sorry, i won't ever do it again* make up situation between them or was it different? she may have allowed him to use such internet sites from time to time as long as it's nothing physical...

If i tell my mother WWIII will commence, so..

...don't tell your mum... i like a europe better without WWs
it's something your sister has to decide on. don't know the personalities of your parents and your sister but she has to live with that guy. you might end up making her situation worse if your parents don't agree with him anymore... does your sister have a best friend? if yes, that might be the right person to talk to because that person should know your sister good enough to help you out... you avoid having family problems with that as well...

as for the problem with the money.. you wrote something about a house.. is it on a credit? if it is, it's of course not the ideal situation but first your sister has to decide whether to stay together with or to leave that guy. if she decides to, then there should be probably some ways for her to clear the whole thing up... (don't know enough about those things though)
i still think that it's most important for your sister to be happy or not (no not swimming in gold myself... sadly)

sorry for my not really connected thoughts... and it's not very helpful either i guess...

[grakara]

No i can´t see if he had any contact whatsoever,
But in his description box it says this: translated form dutch to english ofcourse.
"Hi, i'm a guy living close to zwolle, i'm searching for a nice girl to spend some time with from time to time, age doesn't really matter, because in the end it doesn't matter when it comes to being together, greetings"
Well it does say hes searching for contact, and if you put this on a site searching for sexcontacts i don't think its to meet up with someone and drink tea.

Well, i thought about that too. But i myself find it not the best solution as well.

I am pretty certain that she doesn't know about this, because the last incident was pretty hard on her and i think just knowing this would break her. And i have to say it was mor the typical make up situation, i won't do it ever again.

Yes i agree, but if i tell my sister, my parents will know it eventually since my sister tells everything to my mother. which would probably lead to the situation you described. I actually dont know of her havind a best friend of some sorts, she has friends but i dont think she sees one as a best friend.

Yes a house, i don't know the terms for it in english so not sure if its on credit or not.
But let's say it like this, she will have a pretty big debt.

No on the contrary, your very helpful and you started making me realise things i haven't even thought about.
and every help is help, if its good or bad it doesnt matter.
The thought of wanting to help is already supporting enough.

Thanks

[crwallenberg]

You're both adults so I would leave your parents out of this, but I think you already know the answer to the second part, you should tell your sister. If you're concerned about something you shouldnt keep it to yourself. Sometimes the truth hurts. Even if you keep it from your sister in an attempt to prevent her from being hurt, this issue is bound to eventually show it's light in some way or another whether you're involved or not... and as times passes it will be even more difficult and hurtful to her.

Now with that being said, proceed with telling your sister with caution. Considering that she was already once cheated on but still forgave him and now seems very serious about the relationship, it's quite posssible she has some denial about the relationship and the ability for him to change (once a cheater always a cheater ;D). A lot of times people who are being cheated on are so wrapped up in their love, they refuse to think it's happening or tell themselves he will change or things will get better because they love each other so much etc. Excuses. And sometimes even push off what others tell them as a grudge, jealousy etc and turn it on you. It's important when you bring it to your sister not to accuse him of cheating. Just show her what you found that concerns you, the facts, and let her draw her own conclusions and what she wants to do with it. That's all you can really do. Put it out there and hope she uses it to make the best choice for her life and happiness. If she doesn't, at least you got it off your conscience and when some day she realizes perhaps she made the wrong choice, she will know you had her best interest in mind and will know you will be there for her.

[RebbieChan]

Don't go to your parents with this. You have to tell your sister. Wouldn't you want her to tell you if you were in her place?
Ye, it will get chaotic and yeah your sister will not be happy, but it's for her own good. No one wants to be with someone who doesn't love them enough to not cheat on them. (that was worded poorly, but you know what I mean)
I don't know the best way to bring it up to her, but you have to pull her aside and do it. Better sooner than later.
Good luck.

[74|\||\|3R]

i agree with Rebbie. your sister should be aware of it and she will need to make a decision based on the information she is provided. Untill she knows, She can not fairly assess her status of the relationship...

Her Bfs status on the site is of concern, but even if he is just "Browsing" sites of that nature, it is still a betrayal to your sisters trust and she deserves to know...take it slow and give her time to process, but holding the info from her isn't protecting anything .-. just denying the problem at hand...

*my sis went through something similar... i wish i had been aware before hand so i could tell her what was going. As it is she found some pictures on her own and had to deal with that drama by herself in the begining.. *Found a pic of him with another girl.* i hope it works out for you and your sister... i wish these kinds of situations wern't apart of todays society...

all i can say is support her with whatever she decides she needs to do...she needs the backing of a good sibling like you.

[Rynn]

I know it'd be extremely difficult for you to tell your sister but you MUST do it.Just think about it - they're living together now,maybe they're planning to get married and have children.What if that happens and your sister finds out he's cheating on her when they have kids?!
I know that sounds really lame but it'd probably hurt less - just open the page with his profile on the site about sex contacts so she could see the info.She'd recognize his name,right?So leave the page open and get out of the room when you know she's coming,hopefully she'll see it and she'll ask you about it and you'll tell her the truth.You're her brother,it's normal for you to be worried about her.She has to see the truth before it's too late.Wiash you luck! =)

[Shouhei]

just remember this.. he can be replaced and YOU are not. seriously, you have to tell your sis about this. as it can become a burden your sis might shoulder for her life. so do sumthing! all i know is that kind of guy only wants sex. and will leave after he's bored. there are many cases like this. this is why there are children that have no fathers..

don't tell your mom flat-out as parents tend to be excessive and emotional and can do silly decisions on the fly.

[Draconda]

Don't drag your parents in unless your best buddies with your old man. Your her brother and siblings look out for each other. Don't be quiet and if things turn out to shit you will be standing thinking to yourself what you could have done. How about talking with either your sister or her boyfriend ? You don't have start blaming anyone but have a reasonable conversation saying your just worried that's all :)

[Northernian]

If this guy had actually cheated your sister, and still doing it via internet dating&sex sites, he's a damn loose cannon. But you need to make sure that he's actully cheating her. So dig up some reliable evidence and then tell your sister about it. On the other hand, ultimately this decision is up to you.

If your sister really thinks of getting married with this guy and have children with him, I would have told her what he's up to. And it sounds like you sister already got a mortgage; that ain't really good, cos Europe is largely affected by austerity measures nowadays.

So, you may tell your sister about it. But don't involve your parents. They won't understand, and as you said, this will likely to cause mayhem. So, If I were you, I'd convince your sister. Or contact with the best friend of your sister and get support from him/her to do intervention.