When you realise...

[Ame]

Hmmm. I've had many instances where I've come to stop and think about everything. Who I am, what I'm doing, who's with me and who's not (whether it be friends, family, lovers, etc.) We all have to grow up and become adults. After I hit my 20's everything changed for me. I realized that my wild behavior wasn't going to cut it anymore. I too have lost and made new friends. I've run away from problems, and I've stood to face them. I've pretty much done everything, broke everything, tried to mend everything, moved on, and here I am now.

I'm happy to say that my life is EXACTLY where I want it to be right now. I'm happy, I'm grounded, I've got at least a bit of my life figured out, and I can only continue to move forward at this point. :)

I guess us oldfags, are really becoming oldfags and growing up. /willstillbeonbboardstillidie *determined face* :P

[Yiew]

I must say I am glad to see the community is kicking ^^

Thanks for all your kind comments, and I will try to provide you guys with interesting threads <3~

Its lovely to see people posting their stories. Its interesting to see how others live their lives and evaluate oneself.
Ill try to keep this thread interesting by posting frequently myself.

I will edit once I have had my shower and will comment on the first couple of posts. Lets hope this is a popular topic!
*Saves for edit*
*Edit*

This is really a good and interesting topic, and I think we can also get pieces of advice, critiques or, anyway, learning sth new from what the others write...and maybe from what we write ourselves

This does sound like a good idea, but, as much advice as someone can give you, ultimately you need to make mistakes on your own and live life through experience. Im sure if anyone has any troubles or doubts this community will be willing to offer what we have gone through for certain situations, Im not going to deny people that, and I do hope people will throughout this thread, but in the end isnt it more fun to live life through trial and error? =P

Its strange though. Even though we can physically and mentally realise what we have done and how we have changed, to see it written down is all the more scary. After reading what I wrote and what everyone else wrote, I was amazed at how much I related, and how much I realised what an idiot (well, maybe idiot isnt the right word, but Ill use it) I was during that point in time.
After reading what I wrote I was like 'Wow, I really did take a dramatic turn for the better'. From one event I decided to change myself in so many ways, and its comforting to know that the community on AA have gone through similar things =)

BE PROUD OF WHO YOU ARE!

No one is perfect, but to see people change themselves for the better, its just a feel good feeling to know.

Well, Yiew life teaches you, sometimes, in hard way

After going through some things the hard way, Im glad it does. If the world held my hand the entire way I would grow up to be a very lame person. Life presents trials which builds up your character.

[wacky_jam0902]

Self realization.. I always have those moments whenever I enter the bathroom.. The bathroom is my haven for self realization.. hahaha... :P

First, back in the past, I hate self assessing myself. Coz I know that I'm not a good person and I hate looking at all of my bad qualities. I'd rather die than be criticize by people around me. I hate criticism. I'm close minded. I considered myself as a loner than doesn't give a shit to what happens to people around me. Well maybe except my family. I'd kill people who dare speak badly about them. Yeah, I'm a bitch. :P

But as time went on, I finally got slammed in the face by an epic realization wall. Saying, "Jam, you old bitch, stop being self-centered and look around you. Dude you finally have friends you can open with. Show them some love, sister." Opening up myself especially my personal life to people makes me uncomfortable. I'd rather act all stupid and such just to escape such touchy subject. So when I finally noticed this people who genuinely care for me. I became... Human.. hahahahaha..

I trained myself to become something that would never be swayed by any emotion. I laugh for the sake of laughing. I show anger. But I don't show sadness. Crying is not my best part. Although, I don't see crying as a weakness. But still... Yeah, I'm stubborn too. :P

I envy people often. My bad point back then and I think until now but a little bit lessened? hahahaha... XD
This time I try not to look at what I don't have... But what I DO HAVE... And will ALWAYS have.. No matter what happened.. :))

GAAAAH... I don't like self realizations.. I sound cheesy... hahahaha.. XD

[Yiew]

I might get in trouble for this...but...

- Bumping for interest -

I had some rep given to me from people who liked this thread =)
I wanted to come back and try to make the forums a little more, well, discussion like =P

Maybe when peoples exams are over. I just dont want this thread to die so early <3 ~

Again, I appreciate everyones stories and its great to see everyone look back and believe that they are a better person, or at least stronger from what they have gone through =)

Keep it up AA!

[Northernian]

Its strange though. Even though we can physically and mentally realise what we have done and how we have changed, to see it written down is all the more scary. After reading what I wrote and what everyone else wrote, I was amazed at how much I related, and how much I realised what an idiot (well, maybe idiot isnt the right word, but Ill use it) I was during that point in time.
After reading what I wrote I was like 'Wow, I really did take a dramatic turn for the better'. From one event I decided to change myself in so many ways, and its comforting to know that the community on AA have gone through similar things =)

BE PROUD OF WHO YOU ARE!

No one is perfect, but to see people change themselves for the better, its just a feel good feeling to know.

After going through some things the hard way, Im glad it does. If the world held my hand the entire way I would grow up to be a very lame person. Life presents trials which builds up your character.

Yeah you made quite a comeback, similar to the quality of your departure which seemed quite decisive. But well, internet has become such a complex and amazing platform that now interweaves our complex ideas and information processing in such a serendipitous way that we can't be fooled that easily anymore.

There might be a room for stupidity in everyone's life. And sometimes out of no reason, garbage is thrown at you. Indeed, it builds character, however sometimes, at the expense of some significant things you care. Then it may become difficult to fully enjoy your life in a way that a Zen Buddhist may be enjoying. A clash of happiness and meaning, it seems to be happening at every level of complex ties of human society. Complexity is one hell of a thing to deal with, due to our paradoxical desire to attain simplicity and alleged perfection.

Regardless, glad to have you back here once again :P

[MmeButterfly]

PS - http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=DAUpuYBoeso
Cold Chisel <3

1979.

LOL. That's truly the "pure-unaware-bliss-moment" song :)

Life changes all the time. But you need to move on, tougher, harder, and always keep your eyes fixed of your own personal growth. It is important to grow thaty magnetic ability which will draw people to you and help them develop as well.

I have to say I TOTALLY agree with your last sentence. It's true and it's not selfish! Ppl usually try to draw friendship and love around them by changing themselves by following other ppl's desires. But this leads to nothing but self-demeaning and a feeling of not knowing yourself anymore. We need to develop our true selves, what we are, what we like and believe in. This way we can become happy and satisfied of what we are. And I personally LOVE people who are this way :)

Lol, I wasn't x) I was writing a long reply to Yiew and the system logged me off automatically.

Heh, sorry about that :) It happens to me as well all the times ._.

This does sound like a good idea, but, as much advice as someone can give you, ultimately you need to make mistakes on your own and live life through experience. Im sure if anyone has any troubles or doubts this community will be willing to offer what we have gone through for certain situations, Im not going to deny people that, and I do hope people will throughout this thread, but in the end isnt it more fun to live life through trial and error? =P

Ofc it is! And I strongly believe things can only be truly learnt by trials and errors. But you know, I think exchanging ideas is very useful because you may see things in a different way, one that you, alone, couldn't see....or maybe one could find himself in a particular situation and remember of the advices received and try them out ^-^

I trained myself to become something that would never be swayed by any emotion. I laugh for the sake of laughing. I show anger. But I don't show sadness. Crying is not my best part. Although, I don't see crying as a weakness. But still... Yeah, I'm stubborn too. :P

Life taught me that showing sadness (not all the time, omigod!) when one really need it, or maybe with the people closer to you, it's not a weakness. Instead, it shows a great strenght in accepting your limits and accepting that you can be actually upset by something. I mean, I'm kind of the same, shitty things happened in my life and I also laughed about it, but if one feels like crying, sometimes, it's also ok.

^yeah, this all sounds totally confusing.

[cly299]

@yiew, i really love the youtube video ^^ it was nice to listen to. @everyone that posted... it was nice reading what everyone experienced. i notice that most of us here are alike, so i believe that's not such a bad thing :)
well... me... i am a really REALLY closed person. i have to TRUST people deeply to tell things that i don't want people to know about. but yeah... everyone had a tough life, so i'm pretty much the same too. i grew up with parents that didn't care about me. was always kicked out of home, sleeping in the cold or always living with my aunt. i felt like a homeless beggar from time to time. always wishing i had some food to eat, but my aunt always provided me that when dad kicked me out all the time. i was a hard head, stubborn, cold person. i wouldn't cry or nothing. everyone i walk pass by, i just hated them and gave them cold stares. i grew up being looked after my aunt, my cousin, my cousin gang, and my friends gang. i stayed at random houses that my friends offered since i had no where to go. my first best friend had some personal problems and yeah... personal things went on and i felt like she backstabbed me. so got into arguments and from that day forward, guts of hatred was within me and i hated her the rest of my life. middle school year, i still acted the same. cold person, didn't care about no one, and just did my own business. just one day, i seen this asian guy being beat up by a bunch of mexican thugs and he was being spit on, crying, being kicked, and punched... and for some reason... something hit me so hard. i just helped him. i then, met a mexican thug during that time i helped that asian boy. i figured out that mexican guy i met was the guy that was part of the gang that beat the asian boy. anger and hate grew in me when i found out. but i didn't speak a word about it. i was warned many times to stay away from him. because of two main reason. he's mexican and he's in a different gang. racism and gang was all the things that mattered out here. one race hating the other and one gang killing the other. by the time i became a freshman, my own asian gang friends beat up my mexican thug friend. we went through complicated times. i was once warned again that i shouldn't go near him or talk to him because of race difference. everyone looked down on me when i told them the truth that he was my friend. half of my friends left me and said i was a disgrace. i didn't felt no pain at the moment, but it hurt. only one friend stood by my side and my sister accepted my choice even though i had a mexican friend. after my mexican friend getting beat up, me and him didn't ever talk for a couple of days because he thought i was still in my friend's click. yeah... after a couple of days hearing him shit talk behind my back... he apologized. and i apologized back as well. and we just tried to overcome obstacles that tried to break us apart. months later, he was expelled and i went into depression. well, more depression when i found out he got expelled. i hated him also. for him, he had false promises that made my anger boil and think that... all this time... he's just a fake friend. i became so dark and depress that i forgot who i really was. i started to act like a jerk once more. i started to act like a jerk to my crush and wanted to be left alone. after hurting my crush feelings, i felt like i was a total asshole. we didn't talk to each other and we aren't even friends anymore. as years gone by, i'm in college. thinking i'm a low life. can't achieve nothing if i go to college. i'm a dark negative person. so yeah. i meant someone online during a late night on a bad day. we both had a bad day. and yeah... somehow things turn out the same. i felt like it was deja vu. like another year repeating itself. everyday, me and him would just get into a fight. arguing. and i'm easily hot tempered... so when we got mad at each other, i just logged off or i ignored him. and i would just lie to his friend that i wasn't mad at him when i really was.
what i learned is... i needed to let go of my best friend. even though he always been there for me and was the only one that understood me... i just needed to let go of that happy moment when i was able to open up myself, laugh and smile with him. i needed to let go and move on. and for the people that i've known that have given up their lives for me and the people they care, i needed to find an understanding in why they would they save someone else's life? i hated myself when i just couldn't be there to help them and they were able to help me and the people they cared. i had to find an understanding in forgiving them for the choices that they made. still, sometimes... i feel hate for being saved, but yet... i owe them so much and don't know how to repay it. but i just look on the bright side and smile and laugh because i want them to know that i'll be okay and i'm happy. i learn to at least clam down and not be angry so easily. i learned to move on and let go of the painful past i've experienced. i learn to start trusting people a little bit more. not of all, i'm happy for what i've experienced. made me learn to not make the same mistakes twice. i have some good friends i can open up to now, laugh with, and smile. friends i can look up to and be joyful. friends i can be there for and put a smile on their face as well. and so far, i'm not all that negative and dark anymore. but i'm more cheerful and i want to at least shine in the light for my friends. whether their having a good or bad day, i want to show a brighter light that they can smile and laugh to.
yeah, i sound corny... so... shhh... lol. heehee. everyone has ups and down, mistakes that they learn... and yeah... its hard telling it to people when you are afraid to speak your mind. and i'm sorry if this is so long, haha.

[Yiew]

Quote of Cly299

@yiew, i really love the youtube video ^^ it was nice to listen to. @everyone that posted... it was nice reading what everyone experienced. i notice that most of us here are alike, so i believe that's not such a bad thing :)
well... me... i am a really REALLY closed person. i have to TRUST people deeply to tell things that i don't want people to know about. but yeah... everyone had a tough life, so i'm pretty much the same too. i grew up with parents that didn't care about me. was always kicked out of home, sleeping in the cold or always living with my aunt. i felt like a homeless beggar from time to time. always wishing i had some food to eat, but my aunt always provided me that when dad kicked me out all the time. i was a hard head, stubborn, cold person. i wouldn't cry or nothing. everyone i walk pass by, i just hated them and gave them cold stares. i grew up being looked after my aunt, my cousin, my cousin gang, and my friends gang. i stayed at random houses that my friends offered since i had no where to go. my first best friend had some personal problems and yeah... personal things went on and i felt like she backstabbed me. so got into arguments and from that day forward, guts of hatred was within me and i hated her the rest of my life. middle school year, i still acted the same. cold person, didn't care about no one, and just did my own business. just one day, i seen this asian guy being beat up by a bunch of mexican thugs and he was being spit on, crying, being kicked, and punched... and for some reason... something hit me so hard. i just helped him. i then, met a mexican thug during that time i helped that asian boy. i figured out that mexican guy i met was the guy that was part of the gang that beat the asian boy. anger and hate grew in me when i found out. but i didn't speak a word about it. i was warned many times to stay away from him. because of two main reason. he's mexican and he's in a different gang. racism and gang was all the things that mattered out here. one race hating the other and one gang killing the other. by the time i became a freshman, my own asian gang friends beat up my mexican thug friend. we went through complicated times. i was once warned again that i shouldn't go near him or talk to him because of race difference. everyone looked down on me when i told them the truth that he was my friend. half of my friends left me and said i was a disgrace. i didn't felt no pain at the moment, but it hurt. only one friend stood by my side and my sister accepted my choice even though i had a mexican friend. after my mexican friend getting beat up, me and him didn't ever talk for a couple of days because he thought i was still in my friend's click. yeah... after a couple of days hearing him shit talk behind my back... he apologized. and i apologized back as well. and we just tried to overcome obstacles that tried to break us apart. months later, he was expelled and i went into depression. well, more depression when i found out he got expelled. i hated him also. for him, he had false promises that made my anger boil and think that... all this time... he's just a fake friend. i became so dark and depress that i forgot who i really was. i started to act like a jerk once more. i started to act like a jerk to my crush and wanted to be left alone. after hurting my crush feelings, i felt like i was a total asshole. we didn't talk to each other and we aren't even friends anymore. as years gone by, i'm in college. thinking i'm a low life. can't achieve nothing if i go to college. i'm a dark negative person. so yeah. i meant someone online during a late night on a bad day. we both had a bad day. and yeah... somehow things turn out the same. i felt like it was deja vu. like another year repeating itself. everyday, me and him would just get into a fight. arguing. and i'm easily hot tempered... so when we got mad at each other, i just logged off or i ignored him. and i would just lie to his friend that i wasn't mad at him when i really was.
what i learned is... i needed to let go of my best friend. even though he always been there for me and was the only one that understood me... i just needed to let go of that happy moment when i was able to open up myself, laugh and smile with him. i needed to let go and move on. and for the people that i've known that have given up their lives for me and the people they care, i needed to find an understanding in why they would they save someone else's life? i hated myself when i just couldn't be there to help them and they were able to help me and the people they cared. i had to find an understanding in forgiving them for the choices that they made. still, sometimes... i feel hate for being saved, but yet... i owe them so much and don't know how to repay it. but i just look on the bright side and smile and laugh because i want them to know that i'll be okay and i'm happy. i learn to at least clam down and not be angry so easily. i learned to move on and let go of the painful past i've experienced. i learn to start trusting people a little bit more. not of all, i'm happy for what i've experienced. made me learn to not make the same mistakes twice. i have some good friends i can open up to now, laugh with, and smile. friends i can look up to and be joyful. friends i can be there for and put a smile on their face as well. and so far, i'm not all that negative and dark anymore. but i'm more cheerful and i want to at least shine in the light for my friends. whether their having a good or bad day, i want to show a brighter light that they can smile and laugh to.
yeah, i sound corny... so... shhh... lol. heehee. everyone has ups and down, mistakes that they learn... and yeah... its hard telling it to people when you are afraid to speak your mind. and i'm sorry if this is so long, haha.

I must admit, thats a pretty epic post you made.
Im not going to pick specifics, but Im glad you could open up just a little bit, even if it were to t he AA community.

I think people appreciate being listened to, and I read your post with much enthusiasm. I must admit though, you seem to have gone through a lot more than what I could ever imagine, but Im glad to see that you're here with us now, sharing your story and not in another horrible place.
I would offer my sympathise, but I know that you're in a much better place and that you can see things in a different perspective thanks to your life trials. Glad that you shared your story with us =)

Its hard when you have to let go of someone you love or hold very close to your heart, unfortunately sacrifices are a part of life, and as sad as it is to say, sometimes we have to look after number one. Thats the impression I got from your post CLY. Sometimes the people we care about most are the ones holding us back, or WE are the ones holding others back. I think that knowing that is the worst feeling, but remembering the happy moments should never be forgotten, so dont stop remembering all the good times you had, and dont wish that none of it ever happened, because you are the way you are today from what happened to you in the past.

I appreciate you posting your story. I must say its one of the harsher 'smack in the face ones' posted, but I hope it encourages other people on the forum to gather the courage and post their moments of self reflection and realisation.

Some come on AA, show us that you're human, and we shall surely respect that fact!

[Muse]

This is a great thread Yiew, not many days ago, before I left for vacations I sat down with my best friend [after a year or so] and we had a great time, reminiscing about the things we cared about and how we were. It was an enlightening conversation indeed because I realized during my friend's one year absence from my life, a lot has changed.

Until some years back I was so fragile, emotionally. I was the kind of girl who kept getting hurt, prone to crying away the whole night and feeling miserable. My friend's told me I cared too much and that was the cause of my misery. Of course, usually I had someone around to comfort me or tell me how everything will be better but you know it doesn't really change unless you do something about it. You can have all the comfort you wish for but it's not the solution. Anyways, I don't suppose I could count how many nights I stayed up crying, but one day I got tired of it.

It was this particular night when I was absolutely alone and had no one to go running to, so to speak. Devoid of any comfort, friends, or even my sister I pretty much just had myself and there I was feeling like shit. I indulged in hours of self pity until I realized that I needed to change this messy emotional state, to stop wallowing in self pity. I don't know for sure how I did it, but I was very determined. This little change has made a world of difference to me. Today, I see myself as a much better person, previously I'd be cranky or angsty most of the times because I was hurting or depressed, I wouldn't appreciate things, didn't want to try. So all that changed, I'm enjoying my life to the fullest, I laugh a lot more, I'm closer to my family and friends I've ever been, I'm taking my time appreciating things, I'm not hurting anymore and I sleep peacefully at night.

This recent development hasn't been taken so well by a few of my friends who claim I've become very detached or cold so as to not feel anything but I don't think it's true. I still care for others as I did previously, in fact a lot more now and I still go out of my way to help others. Maybe time has taught me to be a bit tough when it comes to certain things but I'm quite happy where I am right now.

As for the question if I really know who I am. I don't know for sure. I guess we never can know what or who we are for sure because it's really the life experiences that make us what we are and it's an on-going process for as long as we live. Humans are constantly evolving, while some change or develop for the better, others aren't as lucky. I'm still discovering facets of my persona with each new experience I have in life and there are some rare moments when I catch myself thinking darkly.

I think self appraisal is a great thing and one should indulge whenever they get some peace and quiet. Anyways, back to my conversation with my best friend, she told me she envies the new Sadia, who's so mentally stable, and calm and strong. I told her it didn't really take much to change. I just had my priorities messed up, and I had the tendency of taking the wrong things too seriously to my heart.

@ Yiew You're very lucky that you were able to rekindle your friendships and all. My friend did the same thing and he's pretty much a loner now because he shunned all his friends earlier to please his girlfriend and now they shun him.

@ Yoko I do agree with what you said. I think we all go through those crazy teenage years where we're angry at the whole world for no apparent reason, carrying around all the rebellion like burning fires within us. I've had my share of wild crazy behavior, being unmanageable, and disrespectful to an extent that makes me want to slap myself now that I think about it. Good thing is, we come to our senses soon enough. ^^

@ cly299 I'm sorry to read about all that you went through as a child. I can't even begin to imagine what I would have done in your shoes. But I'm really glad to that you're okay, and determined and so strong. Wanting to be there for your friends and to brighten up their day! I think it's wonderful :)

[Mykka]

Waaah, a few weeks away and come back to see a quite nice thread :D
Especially since it has a lot to do with my life lately, so to speak :p

Anyway...I am sorry won't reply/comment on the other posts. Am kinda busy and should not even be here writting this XD Will come back later and check them all more carefully ^^


So, I can say I realised some details about my life this year. To be more especific, around February. The problem is, once I did, changing them, overcoming difficulties and such....was(and still is) NOT easy. There are plenty of decisions I made this year that were...Stupid. Literally STUPID. I lied a whole lot this year.... I never did such a thing before, I mean, not with huge and important things(little lies that really would never affect anyone but me, so was 'okay'. Lying is never okay but yeah.)
Anyway, like I said I lied a whole lot. To my family mostly.....That makes me feel bad as...something really bad. Also because my parents still have not forgiven me, and I know that they will not forgive me so early. I know that, and will have to live with that till the day they do forgive me. My brothers, well, 2 of them I barely speak with actually, so don't even know how they feel about the whole...situation(if can call it like that). As for my 3rd brother, he has been by my side, thankfully. I appreciate a whole lot his company, though we did have some....'crashes'. XD But then agan that is normal. And he has been helping a lot. ^^
But there is also a very special someone who has been helping me. I am even more thankfull to him, because there are things that... I do not talk with my family about, but do talk with him. Is not that I can't(since usually it's more a matter of 'dont want'), but simply won't talk to them. So I have him. :]
Like many of you said, this is something that can just....disappear any minute. As sad as it sounds, its the truth. We are all humans. We change and learn each day... ^^
Anyway XD Back to topic~
After a year working as a nurse, and after getting back to the trip with my family...I was home sitting, wondering "Do I really want to study and become a nurse, or a doc? Is that what I want? Why did I come to Germany? Why to this city?....How many things in my life have I decided Myself???"
I don't know how many of you have a great family, you know, one that support you and loves you. One that whatever you want , they will be there cheering for you.
But I can say that....my family is this kind of family. But I never told them any of the things I wanted. What I wanted to do, where I wanted to go. Nothing.
Why?? No idea. I never was the kind of sharing much. Still am not really, but am slowly trying to change. I always feared what my family would think, if they would be happy, glad with my choices. Also thought silly things like "They know what I want" or "If I choose this, they will think is not my style and wont like, so gotta choose the other things".
Not sure, but maybe I could say I was more worried with what they wanted, with what they thought was right. I did made choices be myself. But they were heck of minor choices. And just like someone said before(Rebby I think), when I have too many things to choose from...I cant pick one.
But....something hit my head(lol). And I realised I do not want to spend my life being a nurse, or a doc. Yes, I can work really well with people(something actually that thought would never ever be able to do), and I loved that year, was great to learn a whole lot!!
BUT my passion are animals. They are and have always been what mostly...kept me alive(Yes, very cheesy and weird to say, but hope most of you get what I mean).
So yeah, a little bit of me changed. And am still changing...
I gotta tell you, it has been hard. Hard as hell....And I have been (beg the word) screwing up a whooooole lot this year.... But I wont give up. I have reasons to keep on fighting. I have goals, and wishes. I have a life that I am trying to reach. And as hard as this all is, as complicate as this all is......I will do my best to keep my head up and keep on changing.
Finally, so to say, realised that I must have control of my life and know why did I choose to do what I did, or what I will do. Must know why did I go there, or will go there. I have to know my reasons.
Also have realised how many of my..hm.."ways of acting" are wrong. And how messed up my mind can be sometimes XD Cant change that all so easily either, but well, will try. ^^


Oh boooooy, that was kinda good XD
Wrote too much maybe(as in, shared more than actually should have -__-)
But meh..........feels kinda good, so whatever~

Hope did actually stick to your actual question :p

Cheers~