From a story point of view, its not bad for what I would assume is a first attempt. I can see you're doing this just for fun and not a serious attempt.
How ever, from a written point of view, theres far too much speech in the story. over 90% of your story is done through dialogue.
The problem with this is, you try and tell a story through characters with out any real development. I read through your story quickly, might go through it again if I can, but honestly, its not a fluid read.
Speech is ok to have in a fan-fic, dont get me wrong, how ever if you read a book you will notice that even heated discussions are broken up, and theres never a page completely full of dialogue between character and character.
Also, the coin - It was great to have the link, but lazy at the same time.
Personally I feel you need to work on your descriptive text and chop some of what you get your characters to say.