Crits and Comments on "The Denying"

[Yiew]

From a story point of view, its not bad for what I would assume is a first attempt. I can see you're doing this just for fun and not a serious attempt.

How ever, from a written point of view, theres far too much speech in the story. over 90% of your story is done through dialogue.

The problem with this is, you try and tell a story through characters with out any real development. I read through your story quickly, might go through it again if I can, but honestly, its not a fluid read.

Speech is ok to have in a fan-fic, dont get me wrong, how ever if you read a book you will notice that even heated discussions are broken up, and theres never a page completely full of dialogue between character and character.

Also, the coin - It was great to have the link, but lazy at the same time.

Personally I feel you need to work on your descriptive text and chop some of what you get your characters to say.

[Miu-chan]

thansk for the crit ^^
I'll try to improve... but since english is not my naive language it's somehow difficult to describe what is in my head xD
it's already my 9th story but the first one in english so yeah... I'll do my best =)

bout the link on the coin... why do you think I'm lazy? just wanted to show how it looks like but I suck a drawing...
and when I write celtic knots I know immediately what it might look like but since not everybody knows I figured it'd be better to post a pic... cause describing it is very difficult since there exist sooo much patterns...

[Ryoga]

Hehe, I figured it would be, since she's a pretty complicated girl.^^
But since she made Mateo what he is, won't killing her kill him since he's already dead?

[Miu-chan]

never thought bout that... but it's only logical ^^
I bet he never realized it either xD

[Ryoga]

Or maybe he did realize it, since she only made him into a Vampire after he tried to kill himself, so maybe he just wants to die.^^

Perhaps though he just hates the idea of having to survive on blood, so he wants his freedom so he can have a change of diet?:D

[Miu-chan]

well... we'll see ^^
there are still the Devny and the "Divine fairy protection" - spell =)

[Ryoga]

Oh, I forgot about that one.^^

So I wonder if the spell she gave his friend will wear off if she dies?o.O

[Miu-chan]

nope ^^
Fatufa already said that
cause it's a spell that uses the magic of the entire Fairy race not just of the Fairy that casted it

[Ryoga]

So would it then be possible to destroy the entire fairy race with that spell too? I mean, from what it said in the story, other mythical species were wiped out with a spell like that, so it's possible right?

[Miu-chan]

yup it would be possible...