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Crimson's Stories

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  1. CruelCrimson is offline CruelCrimson's Avatar

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    Default #1

    Year: 2012
    As long as I can remember, I've lived underground.
    My parents always tell me stories about us having to move underground for the sickness that nearly destroyed our planet. The story was that this place is now filled with gruesome creatures with pale hide and large eyes... Long arms and legs that end in sickly thin fingers and toes. None have hair and all are blind and deaf. My parents say that they are us, just simply mutated from environmental toxins that they practically set on themselves. They wasted away their earth, and I have no sympathy for them.
    They scare me, and I just want them to go to the surface, but we have no way to get rid of them.
    I once recently went up to the surface to observe.. Their dwellings are wide, square things. Other buildings of theirs reach up into the air as far as anyone can see. I bet you wouldn't be able to fly over them.
    This place has jarring periods of time where the earth trembles and objects fall. They eat strange things that are even larger than they are. These things have spots and they make irritating noises. Other things that they eat are shining, bright splotches of color I wouldn't have ever been able to fathom. I've heard that they are called fruits.
    My parents told me that before they went underground, this place was in ruins. There were fires that consumed the land. Ashes filled all crevices and drowned out the supposed light that is called the sun. They won't tell mapply it happened, but they will tell me about a place! A place just like this, except our kind is out and about on the surface. The sun is a vibrant yellow and the vegetation is covering the land in rich greens and deep browns.
    My parents call this an alternate place that we will always mirror in all ways but one: they are living in the past, and we are the future. I can only hope they see the error of their ways.

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  2. ashanime91 is offline ashanime91's Avatar

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    Default #2

    I really like this,, you should keep going with this.. like make a longer version i'd read it for sure :D

    but the repetitiveness with the "My parents" is a bit overbearing... like we know you are referring to the parents, but try to change it up a bit ^^ but over all it's very interesting and raw.
    “I have a gift for enraging people, but if I ever bore you it will be with a knife.”


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  3. Sigma7 is offline Sigma7's Avatar

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    Default #3

    As I understand this is someone telling the story of his/her life so far. Or writing a diary.

    It is neccesary to bring out the backstory, but it is fairly obvious that some parts are just infodumps, rather than self reflections or something. It isn't wrong or bad, but it makes your writing seem amateurish. Let the backstory unveil subtly.

    Example: "My parents always tell me stories about us having to move underground for the sickness that nearly destroyed our planet." You don't have to tell that it engulfed the planet, show it. Without the convenient infodump, it would be like: "My parents told me that, it was because of the sickness." Now this sentence encages reader to ask: "What sickness?" "Is it really that serious as it sounds?" "When?" "Why?" And then you subtly reveal the scale by describing it. "Vast cities across the globe, ruined..." "Billions dead, and the other billions roam the concrete jungles like wild animals with no concept of reason or mercy."

    Also, if the narrator is a child, you might want to use simpler words as a child wouldn't use words like symphaty and toxins.


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